The charm of ancient courting traditions in Southeast Asia

Understanding the many facets of Southeast Asia reveals a newly found appreciation for certain nuances and emotions that are uniquely our own. While young people today are often no longer aware of the stories behind these old traditions, many of these rituals, most of which have been replaced by more modern gestures, reflect our complex relationship with our heritage and culture. While we differ in the ways that we give and receive love, by asking our partner to love us as we want to be loved, we create stronger relationships.

University student Ken Almu tells TPBS World that today’s young people recognise and practice five love languages, namely words of affirmation, acts of service, giving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

“Words of affirmation involve being vocal about your support for your partner. Acts of service are those things you do for your partner. Gift-giving is expressing love through presents or small mementoes. Quality time means spending meaningful moments together. Finally, physical touch includes holding hands or a light tap on the shoulder,” he says.

Ella Ras, a comparative sociology professor, agrees, adding that the love languages practised by our Southeast Asian forefathers were far more elaborate and steeped in time-honoured values, such as modesty and respect.

“Many of us continue to respect the old dating customs and traditions today, although at a much lower level. Religion is a huge contributor. We still hold views on dating and courtship that align with our beliefs, although modernization and western practices have brought huge changes,” she says.

Today, modern forms of communication have pushed many traditional courting and dating customs to the sidelines. “Social media has streamlined the process, so to speak,” she adds.

Interesting practices

Love and courtship in the region used to follow a more rigorous order. “In Thailand, a young man who wanted to marry a young woman should move in with her family and work for her family for a period of around two years. If all went well, he was given permission to marry the young woman,” explains retired journalist Bai Kumnuan. During that period, the young man usually lived in a separate dwelling and served as a monk at a local monastery for at least a few months. When his monk service was finished, the man was regarded as morally prepared for marriage.

“Traditional dating customs are still mostly respected, at least to some degree. Most Thais are Theravada Buddhists, with views on dating still aligned with this belief, treating women with overall respect,” she says.

Among the Hmong people of Southeast Asia, a simple and charming way of courtship involved tossing a cloth ball back and forth while engaging in light conversation.

Romantic pursuit

While a typical courtship in modern Metro Manila tends to rely increasingly on smartphones and social media, older generations adopted a much more romantic style. “One of the colourful regional traditions slowly disappearing from the fabric of society is the harana, a Filipino courtship ritual influenced by Spain which, because of its cinematic element, is often reprised in films and theatre productions,” Pepe Rivera, playwright and stage director, tells Thai PBS World.

“Beginning with a gentle strumming of the guitar under the bedroom window of the lady he desires, the man addresses the woman directly. Through his impassioned tunes, he may ask if she is asleep. Should the window remain shut, it means a rejection. But if the window opens and the lady shows herself and listens to the ballad, that means success. The lady may even respond by singing a few lines of the song, and then they both sing alternately or together in some parts,” Pepe explains.

The Filipinos’ harana is similar to Thailand’s phleng yao which also involved serenading using poetic verses, which usually took place during village fairs or temple festivals.

The harana first gained popularity in the early part of the Spanish Philippines period. Using mainly music influenced by Spain and Mexico, its name is derived from the Spanish string instrument known as the jarana, which resembles a small guitar.

“Sadly today, it is slowly disappearing and almost no longer practised in Philippine society, except for a few re-enactments in films or stage productions,” Pepe laments.

Modest response

Filipino women in the olden days responded to such displays of interest with extreme modesty and elegance by using a fan. According to Pepe, the subtle movements of the fan, executed with finesse and intention, carried specific connotations and played a vital role in communicating messages during courtship.

“When folded suddenly and held close to the body, it signified surprise. On the other hand, when the fan was allowed to gracefully slip from the lady’s hand, it conveyed a message of being open to the courtship process. Gently brushing the cheeks with the fan conveyed tenderness and affection. Covering the entire face with the fan with only the eyes peeking was a way of expressing interest,” he explains.

These traditions across Asia highlight creativity and respect. “While courtship and dating manners have evolved, these meaningful traditions remind us of the importance of patience, personal expression and mutual respect,” Pepe concludes.

This story is part of a series about the vanishing cultural traditions in Southeast Asia.

By Oz Herza, Veena Thoopkrajae